A Reflection through my Identity

In this essay I will be reflecting on my music-making journey this term and diving into my identity and how my past, present, and future hold homage to my character and who I was, who I am, and who I aim to become. This assignment has encouraged me to take a detailed look into my identity and pinpoint the pivotal moments and events that have shaped me into the woman I am today.

At first, I was having huge creators /writers' block because I resented the fact that I had to do something very personal and uncomfortable for me. Not realising that this was the present me rebelling, similar obstacles still apparent to this day. My thoughts were; I am nothing like the person I was, so why must I reopen old wounds. The assignment irked me. However, in the midst of it all, it helped redirect me to issues such as my relationships with loved ones, my mental well-being, and financial strains. As a creative individual, I like to draw influences from real-life experiences and current events. Right now one of the biggest complication I am dealing with is my break-up. Writing has been a great way for me to vent. Music is my healing outlet for women's empowerment, reassuring me that all my idols went through similar heartaches and produced quality anthems through their struggles. (Christina Agulara, 19 Jun 2019) states "My music aims to inspire people to take a mask off or put a mask on and truly be free to be themselves and feel something genuine and sincere ".

In the beginning, I listen to music that my parents would play, My Dad listened to Reggae, Garage, and R&B and my Mum was into 80’s pop, Disco, and rock anthems. Coming from a mixed heritage, being Afro-Caribbean, Bangladeshi and White Scottish has helped me to be eclectic with my music taste. For example; I am a Gospel trained singer, however I was not brought up Christian. Both my parents had different religious beliefs, therefore I was raised agnostic. I resonated most with the soul of the gospel sound. Before I knew it I was able to control the sound I was projecting. Shortly after I started taking singing lessons, participating in school shows, and joining youth clubs. I was always around music either singing, dancing, or learning how to play instruments like the piano, steel pans, and the drum kit.

Growing up in the 90’s girl bands, pop and musicals was my forte. Throughout my teens, up until now, I started to resonate more with r&b, soul, and power ballads. My maternal grandparents were huge role models in my life, they both loved music. My Grandad was a DJ and my nan was a singer and dancer. The music they listened to became the music I would reference as the “Oldies but Goldie’s” they will always be my blueprints. The Motown, Soft Rock, and Blue-Eyed Soul they listened to helped me find my soul in my voice. I feel as if I developed the soul from the pain I have endured and felt throughout my life the music they played helped me draw my emotions out as (N. Mailer 1957, P105) explains there is a depth of desperation to the condition to remain in life…the reward is knowledge that present, good or bad… for their cause, their love, their action, there is need.

Our meeting with Julia from level 6 was bleak, gloom-ridden, and dispiriting. She left me feeling defeatist. knowing this university was just a go-between barely a median platform for our journey as creatives. She made it crystal clear that, If we wanted to gain anything beyond a degree, we had gone to the wrong place. In her experience, she had learned nothing, received no help, and was let down by the facilities. The realisation that this is as good as it was going to get, that there was nothing to look forward to and to gain made the experience a hard pill to swallow for me having waited 13 years to have the confidence to become a student and finally putting my skills, passion and education at the forefront of my priorities. Putting finance, security, and relationships on the back burner. I thought to myself are all these sacrifices going to be worth it? I answered my question, No. However, I am up for the challenge to change that for my fellow students. We started the UEL Choir to give students a creative outlet and we will be actively working with the other student reps to help things improve, we have also set up joint study groups to balance out individuals’ strengths and weaknesses whether it be academic or practical. This helped me to realise that we do not need this University but it needs us to bring it to life.

I chose this course because I wanted to gain a degree in a subject I'm truly passionate about. I wanted to feel present and to do something that I love day in and day out to develop myself as an artist. My main objective is, to be able to produce my music and not have to rely on anyone to help me, especially men. I want to be able to empower myself as a female by having creative control over my craft. I have always been back and forth with music where it is so unpredictable but Covid-19 has shown me that life is too short. I need to be embracing my passion or I would never feel fully fulfilled as a person. For several years I ignored how music helps me and the gift of having the ability to be musical. According to (Adele,19 Nov 2021) Every other ambition to do anything left me but the music was something that kept me going .

My goal is to become a recording artist that is well known in their own right, and that can inspire others and express themselves through music. My dream is to be a singer and be paid to entertain and produce content that can move people and help them through joint experiences and compassion. Continuously looking into my past and present behaviours and thinking forward to the future ahead has helped me to re-discover myself, self-heal, reflect and analyse my progress and be fully present in my current process. Music is something I eat, sleep and breathe daily. I am so grateful to have the chance to focus and prioritise, not only my passion but the very blueprint that is me.